I never really noticed how pale Ryan is. He's so pale. Really really white, I'm talking porcelain doll with white chalk on her face white. I think he might be sick. He sleeps a long time. He's skinny too. I'd say he's dropped pounds. I asked Pete and he didn't say much. He said he didn't want to upset me but he's noticed a change in Ry too. He thinks Ryan's depressed. My poor baby. How couldn't I have seen it? How couldn't I have noticed it? I was depressed, seriously depressed year...

I'm so very very drained right now. I feel completely and utterly numb. Everything has washed out of me, dissolved into a neat little puddle on the floor which eludes me whenever I try to put it all back in. No I haven't wet myself. I just spent this morning hugging Ryan on the floor whilst he bawled his eyes out. He cried and cried and cried for what seemed like hours for ro reason. I was in the living room, just on the net, surfing around as usual. I thought he was at work because, we...

I'm back home now, back from Pete's. Feels kinda strange. Like there's different rules here at home, such as I gotta be tidier because Frank freaks even though he is the world's most untidy guy. I feel more restricted. That's weird though because I'm messier at home than at Pete's. Not consciously, though...sack it, this is a crappy rambling sorry. I've not blogged on this for a week and I ramble weird nonsence about not feeling at home at home. I'm sorry. It's good to be back with Ryan thoug...

I am so unbelievably proud of my Pete right now. I know i'm doing the right thing marrying him, it just feels so good to be with him. This is everything I could have asked for! Yesterday I was supposed to be going ring shopping, or so i thought. What he actually meant when he said we were going was that he was taking me to get sized for it, he'd already chosen it, in fact, he didn't already choose it, he'd designed it and it was waiting to be made. Pete's uncle is a jeweler so it was all cool...

So that gig Ryan booked for me ages ago, turns out, it's tomorrow night. Yeah, we don't need to practise or anything Ry, just tell me now, the day before...Actually, I'm sure it'll be fine. All it takes is the appropriate amount of Jack Daniels and everything sorts itself out. your voice is prepared and your body is limber...perfect. It's in this bar/restaurant place, doesn't sound the coolest and I've never heard of it, but Ryan assures me it's been around for years and is perfect for us to ...

I'm home now but thought I'd drop by and say hi. I'm pretty exhausted or cream crackered, which Pete says his aunt from London says. That amused me the whole trip home. Yes, I am easily amused. My house seems fine, though the outlook didn't stop Pete from running around checking under beds, the sink, anywhere really for plastic bombs etc... but he didn't stop there, he checked doors and windows for any signs of forced entry. Forty five minutes of him yelling, " Scar, was that crack...

Hi!!!! I'm on holiday!!!!! Just checking my e-mail at this internet cafe and you wouldn't believe it but that damned psycho ex-girl friend of Pete's, has used up all my space sending me this insane message over and over it reads; " Hi Bunny! Don't get too snuggly with my little bunnywuns otherwise I'll shear you and use your hide as a handbag. Ooh, your bedrooms sooo preetty but i think it'd look better blacked out, ya think?" That doesn't even make sense. Bunny? No o...

Hey! Leaving for Florida tomorrow, very excited apart from one small thing... Pete came down to walk me home from work when this girl, Crystal who works with me, says, " Is that your boyfriend?" i was like uh, huh and she proceeded to tell me how she was amigas with his ex-girlfriend and that she had been asking about me. Crystal said that she's been trying to find out who is new girl is and she is a psycho and i should watch my back. I laughed it off though and went home, Crystal is...

I'm very very confused right now and I have no idea why. I think perhaps this thing with my mother threw me right off track or something but that obviously isn't the sole reason I feel so down right now. It's really late at night or early in the morning right now, I can't even focus on the clock to tell you which. I couldn't sleep after my new work so decided just to come and write on here. My other work starts in a few hours. Dang. I think I've just got the blues because it's at that time of...

Ok, i just heard something really strange and I don't know exactly how I feel about it at this moment. I haven't yet mentioned anything to Ryan, I don't know what to say. My friend Steve called in at my work today and told me that his friend's sister or something had moved into my mother's old house. Confused because my mother's old house was in a completely different state, I asked how he knew it was my mother's. He said because I'd pointed it out to him only last week. Even more confused, h...

So I went to new work last night and guess what? Of all the coinkydinks in the world, this could only happen to me. That woman who stopped our fun in the park was a guest at the posh party and gave me funny looks the whole night. I thought she was gonna complain to my boss about me it was that bad. I could feel her eyes on me the entire time. It was horrible, not a nice feeling at all. It made me feel lousy but it was ok, because when I got home Pete was there and we went for a walk....

Went to the park near our dinky apartment today with Frank, Ry and Pete for a lovely picnic, except I guess you couldn't really call it a picnic as all we had were a bunch of Reece's pieces, some jack n' coke and some various candy bars but we meant it to be all sweet and kiddy like anyway, that's what picnics are. Ryan brought the guitar, just because I'd dragged him out for the picnic whilst he was slumming around the house playing-it was a nice day! You can't sit inside!- An...

I feel so bubbly and tingly, like a bathful of disolving painkillers or something. Ah, love.... Ryan's fine. Picked him up from hospital with his friend Pete (the guy I love..tell you in a min). The doctors say everything's cool just that he has to rest and stay away from rhubarb! Anyways, we decided to just sit around the apartment, nice quiet night in, the three of us, Frank was in bed,sleeping off his uber hangover... Anyway, Ryan got tired and went to bed around midnight leaving Pete and ...

Seems like somebody really doesn't want me to publish this blog. Twice I've tried to write it and half way through my computer had crashed sweeping it all away. Am I cursed? Does somebody really want my day to suck more than it already has? No, I won't let myself get mad. I'm zen, the zen master, if you will. Completely centered... So my sucky day started at 3am when I came home from new work to find the kitchen absolutely overflowing with...rhubarb. Yes, rhubarb, everywhere. In...

I am a waitress and you know what the best thing you can do as a waitress is when somebody is being a smartass to you? After handing them their food, wipe your nose on your arm, then walk away, a bandy legged walk as you pull your panties out of your ass crack. Shocks people everytime. And they don't complain because I've been nothing but polite to them whilst serving them. Insults, yelling, slamming down food, drinks, condiments on the table, that stuff doesn't work. Only subtle, disgusting,...