I never really noticed how pale Ryan is. He's so pale. Really really white, I'm talking porcelain doll with white chalk on her face white. I think he might be sick. He sleeps a long time. He's skinny too. I'd say he's dropped pounds. I asked Pete and he didn't say much. He said he didn't want to upset me but he's noticed a change in Ry too. He thinks Ryan's depressed. My poor baby. How couldn't I have seen it? How couldn't I have noticed it?
I was depressed, seriously depressed years back. So bad, that yes, maybe I did try to kill myself. I'm ashamed but I'll admit it. Ryan was there for me. The whole way through. He hugged me, stayed away when I wanted to be alone. Let me play "Streets of Philadelphia" by Bruce Springsteen as loud as i liked and as many times as I wanted. He made me food that I threw at the wall and he cleaned it up and didn't complain. He listened when I got hyper and jumped around, talking twenty words at once, all just racing to be heard. He drove me to the hospital that time I overdosed. He drove me to the hospital again the second time. He saved my ass, pulled me through, came to the therapy with me and now he needs me. And I wasn't there. I didn't see. You'd think someone who's been there would see it. Would see it clear, a mile off but maybe I just didn't want to. Maybe because I know if Ryan cracks up then I just might too. It's the crackled glass effect. Chip a piece,add the pressure then the whole thing caves in. It all comes down. Please Ryan be ok. I can't stand to see him like that.
I thought maybe something had happened between him and Kathie. Kathie is Ryan's on off girlfriend of like forever. I don't think I've really mentioned her before, have I? Kathie and Ryan are always having little arguements, little fiery heated arguments and then spend months not talking. Then suddenly one day they're back on. That's how it goes. All the time, since i left school in fact. She went to the same school as us. I used to hate her back then but I think she's great now.
Anyway, ryan and Kathie are very much on right now, so maybe something's happened, i don't know. should I ask? Should I interfere? Would Ry have done it if it were the other way around? Oh, I'm so confused but I gotta be strong. i just gotta be here for him if he needs me.
On another lighter note, already had Pete's mamma's phone call today. We had a discussion about pasta. Something like how the italians don't like a lot of sause with their pasta and would I know how to make that for my children...she is insane. A lovely psycho of course, very nice but she's driving me up the wall. Pete just laughed when I told him and said that it means she likes me. He said she thinks I'm a sweet girl but she hopes that my baby blue hair shaln't be so funky when we get married. Hee hee. Besides Pete can cook. I don't have to do it and I don't want kids right now-I'm still young!!!