This has been the most hectic few days of my life, almost certainly the most frantic and stressful.
Firstly my poor poor baby, Petey. His mama was out grocery shopping and somehow, I still don't really know the details, she got knocked down by a car outside the store. Pete and I were out having lunch (i finally had a day off old work!) when he got the phone call telling us she had broken some ribs and had a serious head injury. By the time we got to the hospital it was too late. She died alone in the hospital and for that I feel so terrible and Pete, well he's just devestated. His mama is the glue that holds his family together, they love her sooo much. I can't imagine what it'll be like for them. I saw his sisters in the hospital after and they wailed like I've never heard wailing. Just pure agony pouring out of them, washing out everybody around them, making everyone feel so rotten inside. I felt so shaken I couldn't even cry. I looked at Pete when they told him. He said nothing. Didn't protest, cry or ask any questions. He just accepted it and stood. That killed me the most. Silence. Nothing able to convey the pain enough. I squeezed his hand, too afraid to hug him incase he just melted into tears and crumbled. We stood for about five minutes after the doctor left, just Pete and I. His pop hadn't arrived yet, he was at the restaurant on the otherside of town. He turned and hugged me and I felt a tear on my cheek that I'd tried so hard to hide because I was scared it'd start him off.
she never got to come to our wedding. That i feel awful about and I know peter's feeling it too. He's been staying at his pop's. His dad has never been without his mom, not one night since they've been married. Isn't that the sweetest thing? So so horrible and sad. I just feel so empty. So terribly empty...and then she made it worse.
That horrible little wench...you know pete's ex who's been stalking me. she sent me..ME a card of condolence. She simply wrote, such a tragic loss, my sympathies are with you scarlett x x. What the hell is that about? What does she mean by that? she didn't address it to Pete and didn't send anything to his family, as far as I know. I don't want to upset them by telling them about thuis. That is just so tastless and wicked. I can't believe anyone would do that. The funeral's tomorrow, I managed to get time off work to go, they're burying her in a family plot that they have. I think her mother is buried there or something, Pete says it's a lovely place, well, lovely for a graveyard. His mom liked it anyway. Bless the poor woman. It feels weird not having her call.
Another reason why i've been so stressed is because i also just found off that my new work, you know the posh one...there's a rumour going around that they're gonna have to make three people redundant. I've got to be one of the three. It would just make my week, wouldn't it? I hope it aint true. Then again, maybe i need this swift kick in the gut, maybe I should be doing something else. Pete's mom was always asking me what I wanted to do. Always wondering if I planned to do more. Do I want to do more? What do I want to do with my life? Marry Pete. Is that all? There must be more to Scarlett Addams than being a wife/waitress. Right?
Ryan's still not right, i just want to make everyone feel so much better but i don't know how. I cant do it but I need to because I'm falling apart. I think ry's gonna be ok though, i hope. i found a doctors appointment slip in the trash for yesterday. That must have been where he went when he said he was going for a walk. I think he must be getting help for his depression which is good, but I wished he'd have told me. said something. i would have come with him. i've been there, he knows I know what it's like. He knows we need each other. I don't know if he's been given pills or anything...I don't wanna snoop around his room, i'm, not that rude. I just hope whatever the doctor has done for him will work though but he seems the same to me right now.
Why is everything so like this? Why is everything always a drama? It's like I'm watching, the girl looking on, the girl watching a soap opera unfold on tv, this isn't really happening. Everything is so distant and far away, behind glass. Is this me? Am i distancing myself from everything? Is this what it feels like when everything unravels and falls apart? No that isn't fair to say is it? My life isn't that terrible on paper. Write it down. I'm with the man I love and I'm gonna get married. Wait..is that it. Thats all. I'm just a fiance.