I just liked that that rhymes
I'm so very very drained right now. I feel completely and utterly numb. Everything has washed out of me, dissolved into a neat little puddle on the floor which eludes me whenever I try to put it all back in. No I haven't wet myself.
I just spent this morning hugging Ryan on the floor whilst he bawled his eyes out. He cried and cried and cried for what seemed like hours for ro reason. I was in the living room, just on the net, surfing around as usual. I thought he was at work because, well he's a mailman, he should be gone at 9:30am but then he just burst out of his bedroom in his boxers, tears streaming down his face. God did he scare me. He just threw himself to the ground and lay there weeping. I'd never seen anything like it before in my life. I mean I've had break downs like that many a time but never Ry. I'd never seen him throw himself to the floor in such despair. I ran over and hugged him, I just couldn't bear to ask him what was wrong and we just sat their hugging for ages. Of course though, when somebody cries, i always start crying. I weeped with him for no reason at all, feeling so empty and wrong and as disgusting a human being as ever and I just wanted ryan to feel better. As if pulling him closer and holding him tighter would correct whatever it was that was hurting inside. I wanted to be knocked unconscious, to not see him that way, to not see him in pain-so selfish of me of course to make it about me, but it hurt more than anything ever has.
We sat like that for about two hours, not saying a word, just crying and then when he stopped he just looked at me and said,
" Please Scar, please, just help me, run away with me. Help me."
And he looked me right in the eye when he said it and all I could see was fear and pain and wild desperation and I wanted to nurse him but I couldn't say anything and so he cried again cuddled into my neck. My poor brother. He just looked so pale and tired, his hair was greasy and it just reminded me of when we were kids, scared to death at night when mom used to piss off somewhere and leave us and ryan was afraid of the dark. It was horrible, horrible stuff and I never wanted to see Ry like that ever again. He just seemed like a lost child. I need him to get better. Finally he got up, just smiled at me, dressed and went for a walk. He hasn't come home yet but i think he'll be ok. He's probably lying around in the park, contemplating whatever. He has to sort himself out. I'm sure he'll be ok.
God there's just something so horrible about seeing a man cry. Seeing him crumble. Men are always the strong ones, they symbolise strenght, they are the fathers, sons,brothers and husbands, the traditional backbones of families. To see them break, it just feels to me that everything is lost. That everything has fallen down and will go wrong because they are not ok. Why?
I feel terrible. i was meant to go to new work tonight but I reckon i'll cancel, make sure Ryan's ok. Poor frank, he stayed in his room the whole time while we were out there, too afraid to disturb us. I felt really bad when I couldn't even explain what had happened. i think sometimes he feels left out because Ryan and I are so close but what does he expect, we are twins after all. Oh, ok, deep breath, I have to go, I'm reading this book Frank gave me, i'm sort of getting into it it's called " The Collector" by john Fowles. It's good, quite disturbing though, ok bye.